This is what I put on my facebook/prolifebook pages for those who know me as Susi. Either name is fine by me, but for those who are not already aware, I want you to know the reason behind choosing Susi:
Some of you may have noticed that in my reflection I introduce as Renee, and that I have added it to my profile page as my alternate name. After several months, and prayers/encouragement, I am ready to share about the reasons behind the two names. Pardon if it seems disjointed or long. Also, please be aware that I am speaking about my own experiences, thoughts, etc. I do not expect all to feel the same way I do.
By now I’m sure you all know that I lost my youngest brother to abortion. For nearly 7 years, I tried to deny that I felt pain over his loss, etc. It felt weird to all of a sudden grieve for someone I never knew existed, and had been gone for nearly 11 years. Besides, I had enough on my plate. And now whenever I heard about abortion, it would be remind me that we were personally affected by this horrible act. One of my ways of doing this was becoming resentful of the pro life movement. I would not say that I went to pro choice, per se, but I felt that all I would get from the pro lifers was judgement/harsh words against my mom, and offensive, graphic imagery. I will never know what my brother looked like and hate thinking that those may be pictures of him. I would rather imagine him, as he must be in Heaven. Full of peace, health, etc. Try as I might, I could not completely get him out of my mind. Especially around Valentine’s Day, as that is the day he lost his life: February 14, 1995. I always thought that Valentine’s Day was hard on mom after losing my dad, but little did I know just how painful that day truly was. But in one of the many ways she has shown her amazing strength, she always tried to make it a fun day 🙂 What a sweet mama!
Early this year, I revealed to my spiritual director that I was already dreading Valentine’s Day and was struggling to deal with my pain again. @_@ He gave me some advice and nice imagery to help me feel better and at peace, so thankfully my family and I got through it with peace. That was grand! I thought I was healed. Ugh. Nope! Right afterwards it started bugging me alot more, and I knew it was time to seek out healing. There were two big problems with that. I am not comfortable with my emotions, and tend to internalize, so it would be a huge step outside my comfort zone. Also, I wasn’t sure how to go about seeking help, as the majority of the family does not know about the abortion. (The pain of this secret is making so much more compassionate to these post abortive parents who keep their secrets for so long :[ 7 years is hard enough for me) So I decided that I would use an alternate name, in order to speak freely, without risking that the family find out before mom is ready. It took some time, but I finally settled on Susi O Fanabba, which is an acronym for SUrving SIbling OF AN ABorted BAby. I am actually very comfortable with it! 🙂
I hope all of this makes sense, and you do not feel deceived. It was never my intention to deeive anyone. I just needed a way to express my pain. I hope that we are able to tell the family soon, so even more healing can occur. While the abortion has caused alot of unwanted pain, etc. I truly am grateful in ways that I am better aware now, of the pain that the siblings, and others (grandparents, etc) and the severe shortage of resources available for our healing.
If you haven’t already, please consider reading my reflection, which can be found in my notes section (as well as my: Abortion Hurts Siblings And Others page). Also, please let me know if you have any questions or comments.
Peace to you, and thanks for reading!