Life After Darkness
I do not tell my story for any other reason than to share the truth about abortion. My daughter’s life was cut short because of the lies, deception, pressure; and the ultimate choice that was made. Inside of the womb, she was already a developing human being with little tiny toes and fingers, tissues, organs, and a heartbeat. Inside or outside of the womb, she was still a human being; however, the abortion clinic would not recognize her as one.
When I was 23 years old, I became pregnant from my boyfriend at the time who was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abusive. When I became pregnant, his immediate response was “What are you going to do about it?” Over the next few weeks he continued pressuring me into having the abortion, almost making me feel guilty for even wanting to have my own child. I gave in to the pressure and made the ultimate choice of having an abortion on April 29, 2005 in a small clinic in Orlando, FL. My life as I knew it would never be the same. The “counselors” at the abortion clinic promised me that the abortion would be a mostly painless procedure with very little side effects and that I was “making a brave choice” by doing what was best for me. …that could not have been further from the truth.
As I was lying on the abortion table, tears flowed down my face as I cried out to God to please forgive me for what I was about to do. You see, I grew up in church and have considered myself a Christian my entire life. Unfortunately, I succumbed to one of the greatest lies and deceptions to ever permeate this country…that abortion would somehow “fix” my situation and there would be no real side effects afterwards. That one three-minute procedure changed my life forever and the person who I was before the procedure would cease to exist.
After the abortion, I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame and condemnation. I didn’t want anyone to know what a horrible thing I had done. A few months after the abortion, I made 3 suicide attempts by trying to overdose with pills. Fortunately, none of those attempts worked. I was angry that I was still alive because I felt that I deserved to die. I was sent to a psychiatrist and counselor, where I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and was put on anti-depressant medication to help me. I suffered from severe depression on and off for a couple of years, which also caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, masking the pain I was feeling inside. I also became promiscuous, just wanting to feel loved and accepted by just one man. I attempted to become pregnant several times after the abortion to try to make up for what I had done. All of my attempts failed. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.
Two years after the abortion, I became involved with a nice Christian man who I was planning on marrying in the future. He ended up telling me that he couldn’t be with me anymore because he didn’t want to be with a woman who had an abortion in her past. This deep rejection caused me to relive all of my pain and hurt that I thought I had recovered from because I was being judged for my “choice” to have an abortion prior to meeting him. It became apparent to me that my abortion choice would follow me for the rest of my life. I had the decision to allow what happened to me as a result of my horrible choice to destroy me or to begin helping other women suffering from the same secretive, shameful decision. Only by the grace, healing, and forgiveness of Jesus Christ have I been able to use the most horrible and shameful decision in my life to begin helping others who are faced with a crisis pregnancy, women who have suffered the pain of abortion; and doing what I can , with God’s help, to save even one baby’s life.
Abortion changed my life forever and I will have to live the rest of my life knowing that I took the life of my first child. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I now have a beautiful 21 month old daughter who is the love of my life. The circumstances surrounding the pregnancy were not good by any means. In that moment when I found out I was pregnant in 2010, I had a decision to make. A decision to choose LIFE or DEATH. Everyday that I look into my daughter’s eyes, I am forever grateful that I made the decision to choose LIFE. I believe that my sweet daughter Amariah Grace, who would be 7 years old today, is in heaven with Jesus and so many other precious lives that were lost to abortion. The hope of seeing her again one day in heaven is what keeps me going and keeps me motivated to never stop helping others who have suffered from the pain of abortion.
Life After Darkness