So this blog is called “A Sweet Trip”. There is nothing “sweet” about writing about abortion. But I have called upon the scripture Philippians 4:8 as a guideline to my content.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, what ever is right, what ever is pure, what ever is lovely, what ever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Choosing life in the midst of crisis pregnancy is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Abortion is none of these and I know this to be true from first hand experience. Abortion brings about loss, shame, guilt and pain. . The moment I realized the error of my ways, deep self-hatred set in, followed by a long and painful journey to healing and forgiveness. There are truths about abortion that must be shared because I certainly would never want anyone to have to fall into this trap of deception and pit of hell.
I have had the honor and privilege of working with many children and teenagers in our prolife show The Life Ballet. To see their heart and passion to fight for their fellow human beings is a hopeful endeavor. “Ours is the generation that will end abortion,” recently said one Life Ballet dancer Mariah with great certainty and conviction. You see, the children see abortion in very simple terms and for what it is, killing of a human being. All the other muck and junk and lies and deception fall beyond their ability or desire to process. It’s a no brainer for them, as it should be for the rest of the world. (Baby+Kill=Unthinkable and Evil Beyond Words)
In the midst of my work with these kids, I have witnessed them going into travail; a deep mourning of intercession to bring about a birthing of something in the heavenlies.
“Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Romans 8:26
It began one day at rehearsal. We were preparing for a trip to perform The Life Ballet in Lethbridge, Canada. God had called me to a serious fast (40 days) for this trip. No, wrong word. God has COMMANDED me to a fast. There was NO denying that this was what I HAD to do, and I ate only fruits and vegetables for this time period. My fast was set to end the day we returned to the United States from this trip. I had no idea what to expect on this trip. It would be our first “missions” trip to share the show, and our message of LIFE through song and dance. The above mentioned rehearsal should have been a good indication of the spiritual journey on which we were about to embark, one with a greater purpose than we could ever understand.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
During the United States rehearsal, the performers started crying and they cried for hours. They were all ages and sizes. They were crying out for their lost siblings. (Many of the dancers, because of their involvement in the show, had learned about their own parents’ abortions and the loss of siblings.) The adults in our group on this day, we prayed, and let them cry. It was a heavy topic, abortion, to be performing about, and they were young. Some as young as six years old, including my youngest daughter Annaliese. I thought, at the time, they were releasing a necessary emotion about abortion, and a mourning of the loss of siblings. I thought they would cry, and it would be over. I was wrong.
There would be more.
A few weeks later, we were in Canada, same group of kids, and were finishing up dress rehearsal. Things were going very well, technically “show-wise” speaking, and we felt prepared.
But then it started again. During one of the more difficult scenes, one of the performers started weeping. You could tell she was trying to hold it together. It was a scene towards the end of the show. We kept going. It was dress rehearsal and we were “doing” the show as it would be done the next night. After we were done rehearsal, we held hands to do our closing prayer, and the one girl was still slightly weeping. We started praying for safety and provision and thanked God for how far He had brought our group. We prayed for the hearts of the people who would see the show. We prayed for abortion and the unborn. We prayed and bit more, and then BOOM, it began. The crying. It was like a ring of fire from one kid to the next, and the mourning dropped upon them with a vengeance. It was no longer tears and crying. It was wailing. And wailing. And wailing. And wailing.
There were three of us adults present, and I was in charge. We let them wail for about 15 minutes and the sound guy started looking at me kind of funny, tapping his foot and checking his watch. He then turned out the church lights. It was time for him to lock up and go home. We needed to respect him and that! It was indeed getting late.
So we gathered the children into a group. There were nine of them. We stuffed them into two cars and started driving them back to the hotel. They were all still wailing. We got back to the hotel and gathered them again – still wailing – and walked them through the parking lot, past the hotel front desk, onto the elevator, and then down the hall to our room. They were loud. People in the hotel rooms were opening doors to see. One man said to me, “Did someone die?” Holy spirit chills. “Yes, I said. They are crying out for the millions and millions of aborted children.” He was speechless and shut his door.
We got back to the room and laid them on a bed and then they wailed and writhed in pain. They were saying things like, “I feel the pain. I feel it.” My own Annaliese was saying “I want them. I want my brother and sister.” She was six years old. She was referring to her own aborted siblings whom she now knew about because of The Life Ballet, my testimony. The front desk called. “Is everything alright?” the attendant asked.
I honestly did not know how to answer that question. Because, yeah, no. As long as abortion is alive, well, legal and thriving in the world, “everything” is not alright.
We called intercessors at home after an hour or so as we helplessly watched them wail. We read scriptures over them. I quietly prayed in tongues and watched, wiping tears from my own eyes. People were praying for them all over the world.
Finally after about 3 hours, it was done. It was finished. They slept soundly and got up the next day ready to perform the show as if nothing had happened. Later that evening, after the performance, we drove back to our hotel and they were literally dancing and singing with joy and glee, in the same parking lot where the night before they had been in deep, deep mourning. They were one of my favorite scriptures in action, “He has turned for me my mourning into dancing and has clothed me with joy.” Psalm 30:11
Since then my own children have been open and honest with me about the loss of their siblings due to my abortions. It has broken my heart that I have failed them in a manner such as this.
We will be doing a SIMCHA (Set in Motion Creative Healing Arts) retreat on June 1 for siblings and family members. At the last SIMCHA retreat, I drew a picture for my daughter Alexis of her sibling Sarah who is now in heaven with Jesus. Sarah is the name of the main character – a post abortive mom – in The Life Ballet (whom Alexis plays), but also the name of my first aborted child. It is a painting of her face as I imagine it to be. She is wearing the same crown that Alexis wears as she dances the part of Sarah in The Life Ballet. It’s a feeble effort on my behalf to comfort Alexis, and express sorrow for the loss of her siblings. I wanted her to know the depths of my regret, and perhaps this picture would symbolize a tiny corner of that in hopes that she too would forgive me.
There are always tears when we do The Life Ballet, or when we do post abortive healing studies and retreats. But nothing like I have ever seen that summer in Canada from the children. It won’t be until eternity, I am sure, that I will fully understand the work and purpose of their tears. I am going to ask Jesus. I am privileged to know Him. I am privileged to know these kids, so many of whom I have seen over the past four years give it their all and sacrifice so much for the sake of the unborn and the millions of loss parents. I am privileged to be able to write, dance, sing and speak out again abortion during my sweet trip here on earth with my Savior by my side.
*This was written by my friend Sandy Arena, one of the coordinators for the retreat. Touched me deeply. Please consider spreading the word about this retreat. You can get more info on it, from my previous blogpost: https://survivingsibling.wordpress.com/2013/04/24/upcoming-retreat-for-siblingsothers/ .