Longing For An Older Brother, Young Woman Finds She Lost One To Abortion

My name is Sarah and I found out a few years ago that I was supposed to have an older half brother. After my parents divorced and my dad started dating his old high school sweetheart I heard whispers of her having an abortion when she was in high school. At the time I didn’t even connect that rumor with my dad even though they had dated, she was a pretty wild girl and my dad being involved in that rumor didn’t cross my mind. Hearing a rumor like that really bothered me, because I was already strongly pro-life, but the abortion happened so long ago and there was nothing I could do but have this uneasy feeling around her. Before I even heard this rumor, before my parents even divorced I had always been a little jealous of my one friend who had two older brothers. I saw how they looked out for and protected their little sister, and even though they were annoying at times, they always had each others back. The love they had for their younger sister was apparent and I wondered what it would be like if I had an older brother to look after me? How would my life, my personality, my direction be different? I wondered if I’d he completely different than the person I was today? If going through my parents divorce (later) would have been any easier? The brother in my mind would have stood strong beside me, would have shielded me from my parents carelessness and cruelty when my sister and I were fought over like objects when they divorced. My brother would have tried to intimidate the boys I liked, went out with my dad, sister, and I fishing, would have taught me how to climb trees and been there to listen when I needed a guys opinion. Awhile after I had heard the first whispers about the high school sweethearts abortion, the story got filled in a little more by my fathers mother. She told me that S was dating my dad and got pregnant in high school. She said the mother of S pressured her to get an abortion and told her that my dad would never marry her if she had the baby. Her mother drove her to get the abortion, but apparently she was far enough along that she found out the gender. It was a boy. While telling me this condensed version of events past, my grandmother remarked that S’s mother was so stupid. Gram said “He probably would have married her because he was Catholic and from a strong Catholic family and would want to do the right thing for his child.” I was stunned. All this time my strange wonderings about having an older brother hadn’t been far off. I had an older (half) brother, and he was dead. It was a deep dark family secret that was only told to me probably in spite (my grandma didn’t like my dad dating S again). All this time I had been right. Shortly after I found out this secret I tried to spend as little time around S as I could. When I was around her I felt extremely uncomfortable and angry. Eventually my dad and her broke up due to her uncontrolled alcoholism and instability. She seemed like she never had her life under control. Like she had to be drinking constantly to the point of almost passing out. She held a job, but as soon as she was home she was drinking. After their break up I didn’t hear from S for a long time. Then randomly one day she friend requested me on Facebook. While I was still angry with her I didn’t think adding her would come to anything. She didn’t message me and I didn’t contact her directly. More time passed and then one day when I was in a coffee shop, she walked in and saw me sitting at a table with a friend. She came over and talked to me and seemed so happy to see me. She told me she was proud of me for continuing to go to college and seemed liked she missed talking to me. That brief conversation was the last time I would ever talk to her again. She died last year on April 2nd and it came as quite a shock. She was only 52 and when I found out how she died I was shocked. She had had a heart attack some years before and this time she had chest pain again like the first time, and her son and husband told her to go to the hospital, but she refused to go. She died of another heart attack. Every time I hear or see someone say that abortion is a personal decision that only affects the woman having it I am enraged. Every time I think about how hard my life is or get depressed, I feel guilty because I am alive and he is not. I probably wouldn’t even be alive if he was born because my dad would never have married my mom and I feel like that is right. He had every right to be born before me. And then thinking like that I wonder how life would be different if he was alive and I was never born. Thinking like that is really for nothing because I will never know. I will never know all the details of his demise, I will never have a place to visit his remains, and I feel like the anger toward S and her mother won’t go away.
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10 thoughts on “Longing For An Older Brother, Young Woman Finds She Lost One To Abortion

  1. Hello Sarah, my name is Rachel and I have also experienced something remarkably similar. Growing up I always had a longing for an older brother. I harbored some jealousy towards those that had one, and frequently asked my parents why I didn’t. I also felt an odd sense that something was missing. My question occasionally popped up here and there, and that odd sense that something was missing persisted. That is until one day when I was very upset and going on about how my life was going nowhere and that I’d probably end up being hooked on some illegal drug and pregnant that my mom decided to tell me that she had an abortion. To this day I’m not exactly sure why she told me, maybe as a way to reassure me, but her opening statement was something along the lines of ,”Rae, do you really think that you half any half-siblings running around this world”. To which my reply was a confused no. She proceeded to tell me that when she was seventeen she had a boyfriend with whom she was having sex with, and happened to get pregnant. She was too afraid to tell her parents what had happened, in her words ,”I was too much of a coward to tell them what I had done”. So, it was then, about two years ago that I found out that I was supposed to have a half brother. After telling me about the abortion she told me that her entire first marriage was based off of guilt. The two of them- her and her boyfriend- were married for a few years until finally she was forced to divorce him because of the method he had chosen to deal with the abortion- alcoholism. After that it sort of clicked, the missing puzzle piece had finally been put into place; I now knew what had been missing all along, my brother. Since then, maybe even before hand, I’ve had dreams in which I’ve met him. I don’t know how or why I have this knowledge, but I know that it’s him. He has blonde hair and blue eyes and is rather tall. He just sort of hangs around in the background of my dreams and watches me in a way that I suppose an angel would, or maybe, now that I think about it, a brother. Strangely enough, when I told my mom that I had been seeing this person frequently in my dreams she replied with ,” Maybe it’s your half-brother, watching over you”. When I told her that his name was Jake she was even more surprised, because that was her favorite boy name and what she would have named a boy if she had one. Also, the blonde hair and blue eyes matches up in physical description to their families’ genetics. As of now I still frequently see my brother in my dreams. Some days it’s very hard to know that I was supposed to have this person in my life but don’t. I grieve his death even though I never actually got to get to meet him. It’s even harder for me to know that I might not even exist if he were here today(, because my mom might not of remarried to my dad ). It’s unfair to him and the future generations that don’t get to exist because he isn’t here. He’d be about 25 or 26 now, most likely married and discussing with his husband/wife about either having and or adopting kids. Sadly, the world will never know. He is greatly missed. I don’t hate my mom for doing what she did, although sometimes I do feel a bit of resentment towards her. I can sometimes see/feel the pain that she has from us- my younger sister and I- ,knowing that were here and he’s not. I thank the lord that after all these years she has finally found peace. This does not mean that I agree with hers or others similar actions; I believe that everyone has the right to life. She, after approximately 26 years is able to live a happy life with us, her two kids, and is finally starting to get her shit together. I would like to thank you Sarah for sharing your story, it has helped me tremendously. Thoughts and prayers to you and your brother.
    -Rachel

    • Wow!! Thank you so much for your beautiful words and testimony! I am deeply touched!
      My name is Renee, and I am actually the one who runs this blog. Sarah gave me permission to share her story on here, for which I am very thankful. Especially since you found and drew comfort from it. I have passed on your words to her. I know it’ll mean a lot.
      My heart goes out to you and your family. Although our stories are somewhat different, i could really relate to some of it. Especially getting to know Jake in a special way, this side of Heaven. I feel that way about my brother, Joey! If you read the ‘comforting meditation’ or ‘my reflections’ category, you’ll see a little more of that.
      Would you be interested in being part of a group on facebook just for siblings like us? If so, please send me a message at my page: Abortion Hurts Siblings And Others. You can find the link on the sidebar.
      One more thing: do you mind if I share this as a post? So that more people can see it?
      God’s peace and strength be with you and your family. Thanks again for reaching out,
      Renee πŸ™‚

      • First and foremost I would like to apologize for the delayed response; I’ve been busy, busy, busy! I’d love to join your page on Facebook, but unfortunately I do not have one. And no I do not mind at all if you share my post. God bless you and Sarah’s families.
        -Rachel

      • thanks so much πŸ™‚ No big about the delayed response. Took me awhile to respond before πŸ˜› You will be in my prayers. Hope the busyness is good!
        Thanks for the permission to share your post πŸ™‚ It will hopefully be up soon.
        As for the no facebook, perhaps you can join up on http://www.experienceproject.com (I Lost A Sibling To Abortion). It’s a lot smaller, but you may still enjoy. Also, if you are on twitter, you can follow me (Susi O Fanabba).
        Thank you for the prayers for Sarah and my families. I pray for yours as well.
        God bless πŸ™‚

      • you are very welcome. Hope you like it. Also, not sure if you saw, but I posted your comment as a blog already! Thanks again for the permission. πŸ™‚

      • I did see the comment. Thanks for posting. By the way, since then I found out that my mom told her mother, and she has now been in counseling for over a year. She still has some work to do, but since then she’s been a lot better. As always thoughts and prayers to the both of you.

    • Rachel,

      If you’d like to be friends or talk more, you can find me in the Facebook group abortion hurts siblings and others. I hope you join!

      Sarah

  2. I saw your comment on Lifesite and so I came to read…I had the same story only I would have a natural brother…something to think about is that our mother’s must make us who we are and I believe our destiny lies with our mom’s as all women are born with every egg they will ever have…the other half of us is completely transient..even in the same dad–the physical other half (sperm) is new every day…so I don’t think you took his place at all just like I didn’t take my older brother’s place but their being gone affected our families in a tremendous way. Your line about the divorce–I never knew I even had an aborted older brother til I was in my 30’s, but I KNEW someone was missing and that it was a boy and I often thought if he was there things would be better. There was always a hole. I was the next one born too..Amazing!

    • Thank you so much for sharing your story!! I am so sorry for the delay in responding. I was actually quite touched to receive your comment. My heart goes out to all of you.
      I am Renee, the owner of the blog. Sara was a guest blogger but I have passed your comment on to her. I would be happy to share your testimony on my blog as well if you’d like, anonymous or named.
      Also, not sure if you are aware, but I have a ‘secret’ group on facebook just for siblings like us. If you are interested in joining, send me a message at my page: Abortion Hurts Siblings And Others,
      Peace be with you and your family!

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