Hello Sarah, my name is Rachel and I have also experienced something remarkably similar. Growing up I always had a longing for an older brother. I harbored some jealousy towards those that had one, and frequently asked my parents why I didn’t. I also felt an odd sense that something was missing. My question occasionally popped up here and there, and that odd sense that something was missing persisted. That is until one day when I was very upset and going on about how my life was going nowhere and that I’d probably end up being hooked on some illegal drug and pregnant that my mom decided to tell me that she had an abortion. To this day I’m not exactly sure why she told me, maybe as a way to reassure me, but her opening statement was something along the lines of ,”Rae, do you really think that you half any half-siblings running around this world”. To which my reply was a confused no. She proceeded to tell me that when she was seventeen she had a boyfriend with whom she was having sex with, and happened to get pregnant. She was too afraid to tell her parents what had happened, in her words ,”I was too much of a coward to tell them what I had done”. So, it was then, about two years ago that I found out that I was supposed to have a half brother. After telling me about the abortion she told me that her entire first marriage was based off of guilt. The two of them- her and her boyfriend- were married for a few years until finally she was forced to divorce him because of the method he had chosen to deal with the abortion- alcoholism. After that it sort of clicked, the missing puzzle piece had finally been put into place; I now knew what had been missing all along, my brother. Since then, maybe even before hand, I’ve had dreams in which I’ve met him. I don’t know how or why I have this knowledge, but I know that it’s him. He has blonde hair and blue eyes and is rather tall. He just sort of hangs around in the background of my dreams and watches me in a way that I suppose an angel would, or maybe, now that I think about it, a brother. Strangely enough, when I told my mom that I had been seeing this person frequently in my dreams she replied with ,” Maybe it’s your half-brother, watching over you”. When I told her that his name was Jake she was even more surprised, because that was her favorite boy name and what she would have named a boy if she had one. Also, the blonde hair and blue eyes matches up in physical description to their families’ genetics. As of now I still frequently see my brother in my dreams. Some days it’s very hard to know that I was supposed to have this person in my life but don’t. I grieve his death even though I never actually got to get to meet him. It’s even harder for me to know that I might not even exist if he were here today(, because my mom might not of remarried to my dad ). It’s unfair to him and the future generations that don’t get to exist because he isn’t here. He’d be about 25 or 26 now, most likely married and discussing with his husband/wife about either having and or adopting kids. Sadly, the world will never know. He is greatly missed. I don’t hate my mom for doing what she did, although sometimes I do feel a bit of resentment towards her. I can sometimes see/feel the pain that she has from us- my younger sister and I- ,knowing that were here and he’s not. I thank the lord that after all these years she has finally found peace. This does not mean that I agree with hers or others similar actions; I believe that everyone has the right to life. She, after approximately 26 years is able to live a happy life with us, her two kids, and is finally starting to get her shit together. I would like to thank you Sarah for sharing your story, it has helped me tremendously. Thoughts and prayers to you and your brother.