Mixed Feelings

As some of you already know, I am relatively new to the pro life movement. Less than two years involved. For most of my life, I believed that abortion was wrong, but just had no desire to be out spreading the word, etc. I had other things taking priority.

Finding out that I had personally been affected by abortion, really made me think differently. I now realized the horror, and how it hurts more than just the mother. We, siblings, have felt horrid pain. It was that pain that kept me away from the movement further. Now, when I heard people speaking against the ‘murderers’ I could not help but feel hurt and defensive. I felt they were all attacks against my mom, who I love dearly. The abortion news did not draw us apart as a family. In fact, we are closer, and more grateful for the members we still have with us.

I was also majorly put off by the graphic images. I often hear how only the pro choice people are against them. Not true. For a long time I worried that perhaps I was looking at my brother. What a dreadful thought! I am more at peace now, but I still feel pain thinking of all the families of those photographed babies. A horrible ‘introduction’ of sorts.

I dealt with this mostly silently for about 7 years, only speaking up when I realized how little is available for the healing of siblings like me. There is now more awareness than before, thankfully, but it is still SO small. We need more retreats, bible studies, meet and greets and other options. We need them for Christian and non, open to all political views, etc. I have met a variety of siblings. And while we have different views on some things, I know I can go to them when I am hurting, because they have felt it too.

As I indicated in the title our feelings can be quite complicated and mixed. An example is the birth of a baby. That’s a very beautiful thing, naturally, but it can also bring pain, thinking of our siblings who did not make it. Some of us will never again know the joys and trials of welcoming a new sibling.

Another example: involvement in the pro life movement/being vocal against abortion. To this day I still occasionally deal with guilt for speaking out. I love my mom! And I genuinely love and care for my post abortive friends, so sometimes I feel by speaking out against it, I am cutting them down, personally. And many of them already feel enough pain in my opinion. Yet at the same time, I really feel it’s important for us, siblings to be speaking up. I know there are many who aborted feeling they were doing their kids (present or future) a favor. Perhaps a younger sibling was aborted because the parents felt that if another baby was born, they couldn’t evenly divide the love. Or perhaps an older sibling was aborted, so that the kids in the future could have a better life. Mom and dad wouldn’t be in school, etc. And realistically, some parents, just don’t even think about it at all. That’s not me slamming them, just stating a fact.

One last example I will give is increased sensitivity to the seemingly harmless things. The initials for the Democratic National Convention remind me of all those who have lost their lives in a D&C or other type of abortion; hearing mention of ‘going to plan b’, etc reminds me of the morning after pill; I now look at coat hangers a little differently now (still using them, but just disturbed by the thought of how else they have been used). Even the ‘Smile, Your Mom Chose Life’ sticker is a little painful because while I am grateful I am here, (as are all of you, I am sure 😛 ) mom didn’t choose life for all of us. 4 of us made it, 1 didn’t. : / And while I suffer over that, I am also grateful that now I know this pain, so I can spread awareness and reach out to those in similar situations.





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