Older Sibling Wonders About The Days Surrounding The Abortion

*This came from an older sibling, unlike the previous reflection. I encourage you to read them both to see the contrasts and similarities in their trials

For all you who have lost younger siblings, and were not aware of it happening at that time, do you ever think about what that time was like? Not sure how to word it the best, but my brother’s anniversary is coming up next month. 19 years. Can’t believe it’s been so long. One of the hardest things about it to me, is wondering how I was that day and the days to follow. It was only 8 months after my dad’s death, and I was going through a lot of anxiety and mood issues. As well as emotional internalizing, something I’ve done virtually my whole life.
I mention that because I don’t remember the exact date, but there was at least one time mom when out (with my brother’s father) and I apparently was some bit of trouble for my grandparents, which I heard about the next morning from her. She confronted me about it, and I ended up in tears. A lot of my issues stemmed from the internalizing other stuff.
I just HATE to think that that happened on the 15th. Because mom would be dealing with a lot more, having just aborted the night before. It’s not my fault for having those issues at all, but I still feel guilt and stress over it.
I was physically present at the same time he was!! I hate that for about 7 weeks I hugged mom and him, but from the evening of the 14th on, it was just her. I hate thinking that I added to the pain she was already feeling from being a new widow, and finding herself pregnant :/
I have made received much healing since finding out about my brother, but this as I said, has been one of the hardest things. Thankfully the guilt is not consistent.
I share this for two reasons: to find others who can relate, but also to raise awareness of what some ‘older’ siblings (those who were alive at the time of their sibling’s abortion) may end up going through.

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