Hello everyone. I was recently invited to this group because I have lost (to my knowledge) three siblings to abortion. I am not entirely sure how to feel about it, but I do often feel confused about the loss. Let me explain, mom had two abortions in high school. The first one was with her first boyfriend when she was 16. And the myth of “you won’t get pregnant if you are a virgin” convinced my mom to have unprotected sex. He paid for the abortion, and shortly after they broke up. Later in high school, my mom met her first husband. He is also the father of my half brother. But, let me back up a little bit, again, at 17 and in high school, my mom found herself pregnant again. He paid for her abortion and they carried on. They got married after high school, and my mom had my brother when she was 21. When my mom talked to me about these abortions, she was very ashamed. She feels a lot of guilt towards it. She said it was out of ignorance. She didn’t fully understand the fetus was a life. And being young and pregnant at that age, she saw abortion as an opportunity to rid herself of embarrassment and shame.
However, there was one more abortion that took place. This one makes me feel a little questionable about why I am alive. My half-brothers dad and my mom got a divorce very quickly, and a few years later, she met my dad. My dad was 26 and she was 25. Their relationship was very on and off. Lots of fighting and insecurities. They broke up and my mom found out she was pregnant a few weeks later. She was so angry with my dad. She wanted nothing to do with him. She aborted the child then told him later to make him feel hurt. But, with the up and down feelings in their relationship, they were back together within about two months. My mom became pregnant again very soon with my sister. They chose not to abort out of all the negative feelings from the last time. And right after my sister was born, my mom became pregnant with me, my sister and I are literally only ten months apart in age. Now, the math doesn’t really add up. If my mom never aborted this last sibling, my sister and I would have never existed. I don’t know how to feel about it. It’s like the natural order of events is all messed up. I don’t feel deserving that my life took the place of a sibling’s.
My mom has been living in a hoard of guilt over it. She tells me that the three abortions were my brother, sister, and me, but she chose not to have us yet. I know this is my moms coping mechanism, but I disagree. Those children were completely different people than my brother, sister, and I. It’s not something talked about much in my house, but this loss is so confusing. It felt good to share though, thank you everyone for reading.