You deserve a name and you deserved a life, just as our other two siblings did, and I can’t believe that it took me so long to realize that I have three beautiful siblings in Heaven. I wish I could feel something from all three of you, but I feel you and know you’re there.
I always wanted an older brother. I technically have one on my dad’s side, but he’s not really a brother, unless you ask genetics. I wanted one so badly that the imaginary older brother I had growing up almost felt real – and it wasn’t until just now that I realized he wasn’t imaginary – he was you. You’ve always been my guardian angel. I’ve always believed in those, but never thought I had one. And now I know it’s always been you.
As much as I wish you had been born, I’d be lying if I said maybe it was better that you didn’t have to grow up with her and the hell she puts people through. Please don’t take that the wrong way. I wish you were here, I just don’t wish the pain she inflicts to be on you, but I guess you got the ultimate pain, and I’m sorry.
You weren’t even born when you went to Heaven. If I were to go now, I’d still have almost 22 years on you, although I hope to be very old when I go. So what does this mean when I finally get to meet you? Will you be a tiny baby and I’ll be an old and wrinkly woman? I would like to believe that in Heaven, we just are who we are, and that age doesn’t exist, because even if I’m 102 when I get there, I hope that I get to be your little sister. (I guess that kind of contradicts age not existing, but you know what I mean.) I hope we get to do things that regular brothers and sisters do.
I wish my life wasn’t the way it is. I wish I had a family. But I know someday I’ll get to create one. I’ve just never grieved you, not having a family, or getting to be the child I should have been. I guess that’s what I’m doing now.
Thank you for protecting me. Please keep doing it. I look up to you, even thought you were never on earth. Knowing you’re looking down on me and cheering me on in life makes me want to make the best choices. I want to live a life that I can be proud to tell you about, and I’m happy that you can see it before that time comes.
I love you.