This was shared by a very brave friend of mine. I was sickened reading it, knowing what happened to her, has happened to so many others around the world. I admire her for speaking up in the hopes of bringing comfort to someone who is going through, or has gone through something similar, letting them know they are not alone. Also, no matter your views on teen, unplanned or ‘inconvenient’ pregnancies, no one deserves to be treated like this!! This is just one of the reasons I can not look down at someone considering abortion, or who has aborted, even if I personally do not agree with their decision. I don’t know what led them to it. Same with the ones who have hidden their pregnancies and killed their babies after. I think that’s absolutely tragic and disturbing, but wonder if they were threatened, coerced, etc.
I met my boyfriend in February of 2009, and I fell madly in love with him. Fast forward to June, and he sends me a message that said, “let’s have a baby, I’m serious”. I laughed it off and brushed it aside, but I decided to take his feelings into consideration. We were just fourteen and fifteen, but he was working, had a place for us, was experienced with children, and went over everything. I guess I was passive about the decision, because I never said yes, but I never said no.
In October, my period was late. I was still passive about it, but he was beyond excited. I guess I was hopeful of escaping into his arms and leaving behind the torment. I made a plan to run away because I was sick of my parents’ abuse, and knew that my life and baby’s life were in danger if I were to stay. I mentioned being pregnant to a few people. First, my cousins who I thought were close to me. Immediately they began cussing at me and hoping that my period would come. That Halloween I spent the weekend with them, and they went on and on about how a baby would ruin my life. I tried to explain to them my plan, but it’s not like they were going to take me seriously. They just threw statistics at me, told me what a dumb b*tch I was to throw my life away for a boy that didn’t care about me. I opened up my laptop to talk to him on webcam, but they just went off on him too. When I returned home he told me not to worry about them, but their words stung and were etched in my head. They kept on repeating, and the look of everyone’s disappointment hurt.
In November, I ran away. I was a friend’s house and my boyfriend stopped by. I was talking to my best friend about possibly being pregnant, and her older sisters overheard. They stormed in the room and told me that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant, that my life would be over. After an hour lecture about poverty and dropping out, they took me to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. This part still confuses me, because as far as I know a test is more accurate if laid flat, but she shook it violently. The test came out negative. Later that night the police came for me, and the more questions he asked, the less I talked. Nobody takes a fourteen year old seriously, and no amount of words could have saved me.
Back home I dealt with my parents’ punishments, but not even those hits were as painful as the words that people have told me. Only a handful of people knew and not a single person said, “congrats!” or “everything will be fine” or “I’m here for you”. I felt alone, I just had my boyfriend but everyone told me that he would run away as soon as the baby would come, that he just wouldn’t be there because fifteen year old boys aren’t interested in being fathers. So I kept my feelings and doubts secret from him as well.
All of these events I’ve tried to push out of my memory, but the part especially that I have tried to forget is when I went on Google and looked up, “How to Give Myself a Miscarriage”. I already knew that Planned Parenthood did them for free, but I didn’t want another person to know. I didn’t want to be belittled and I was tired of lectures. I did everything down the list, I threw myself off my bed, I drank dangerous liquids, I punched my stomach over and over.
The following week came the most painful, gory period I have ever had. It was Thanksgiving break so I stayed in my room, cramped into a little ball. The pain was agonizing, and I remember seeing heavy clots. Two weeks later I started to bleed again, as if I were having another period. I still don’t know if I was even pregnant in the first place. I sure hope I wasn’t, but if I was then I am completely responsible for my child’s life.
When I told my boyfriend that my period came, he was devastated. He cried, and hugged me, and touched my hair. I spent the following winter break doing more research, and the guilt that I ever looked up those words in the first place still lingered over my head. My fifteenth birthday passed by, and nobody showed up. All of those people who were so concerned about my wellbeing and future didn’t really care about me. That January, I agreed to getting pregnant with a firm “yes”, and in April, I got morning sickness again. I kept that child, and I couldn’t imagine life without her.
I didn’t mention anything again until I gave birth to her in November 2010. I told him what I did, but he just kissed my forehead. He says now that he didn’t take me seriously because my hormones were crazy and I had baby blues. In April 2014, our second daughter was born, and again I brought up what I did. Now we talk about it more frequently, because I try to do my best to remember all of the events, but still I remain unsure if I did lose a baby. And if I did, I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive myself.
I haven’t talked about this in public, or mentioned it to friends and family because it could have just been a heavy period or something. I just wish that there was a way to know. frown emoticon This is why I spend so much of my time donating and talking to pregnant adolescents. The words that people can say about a ruined future can push her to resent her child, and ultimately try to end his or her life.
I hope this has had a powerful effect on you. And either way, I ask you to keep girls like her in your thoughts. Please consider leaving a comment of encouragement. Any hurtful comments will be deleted